[Subtitles by danielsangeo]
Okay, accident or not, I've killed
so many people at this point,
I have to be changing
the course of history.
I've mostly been killing soldiers, though,
and they're not as likely to change history
unless it's a really decisive battle.
Or maybe if they're smart and go on to
do important things later in life, but...
no, there's no risk of that.
I haven't killed any smart ones.
Okay, is this really locked solid?
No, I think these joints are loose.
Yeah, yeah, I just have to work
this here. I can pry it open.
There's a reason that door's locked!
Fucking... bees? Is that all
this is?
I'M NOT ALLERGIC TO BEES, ASSHOLES!
And they die on impact;
they don't even swarm.
Are they toxic? I don't think so.
Earth bees are more
hardcore than space bees.
I guess the conventional wisdom is true.
OKAY, EVERYBODY SETTLE DOWN!
YOU WANT ME TO SHOOT YOU?!
SURE, I CAN DO THAT!
OKAY, I'LL KEEP IT COMING!
HOW ABOUT NOW?! IS THAT GOOD?!
Yeah, I think that's good.
They would let me know if
there was a problem.
Well, I've gotta say, the soldiers picked
the right spot for building a gunner's nest.
I'm starting to think the
teleportation isn't so random.
I don't know, it's just a hunch I have.
Jesus, how many was that?
Twenty?
Well, it's a total waste. We need to be
moving in here with rubber suits
and hooking these guys up
to a power plant.
Maybe I can come back here and
capture one; use it to power a cabin.
I could really live off the grid then.
Okay, this way's not happening.
Hey, what is this pink...
volcano anyway?
It looks like the asphalt has cancer.
Okay, good. That means that
the Earth... isn't... alive.
THE LAST TIME I GOT JUGGLED
THROUGH THE AIR, IT WAS HORRIBLE!
YOU'RE THE REASON WE HAVE NAPALM!
THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR BEING WHAT YOU ARE!
[machine gun fire, Xenian attack sounds]
Oh no...
Oh, they're fighting each other!
This must be, what, the second time now?
Y'know, maybe it's even the third.
Hey, you're the winner! You won!
And you, too! It was a team effort!
Hey, I just realized, if a soldier
assassinated somebody important,
they could also change the
timeline that way.
But, if they can't get past me,
can they really get past
Secret Service or private security?
Their targets won't be
blaze-orange like me.
But, does the universe really
care about our timeline, anyway?
I think we're giving ourselves a
bit much credit here.
If Booth hadn't shot Lincoln,
this might not be happening.
[snarks chirp]
No! NO! No...
So, uh, case in point, since we
know extraterrestrial life now,
that means, statistically, there's
probably billions of worlds with life.
So, we could blow up our own
planet on this timeline
and the universe doesn't really care.
HECU: Sir, I hear something...
I spaced out again, didn't I?
I heard you're having some trouble
with the ventilation in here?
I don't think they believed me.
Well, it's hard to think of excuses
when people are shooting at
you inside a ventilation shaft.
I had the same problem in high school.
[rocket-propelled grenade launch]
What the fuck just happened there?
I opened the door and they tossed
in the explosives immediately--
before they even saw me,
especially with the sun outside.
How did they know I wasn't a
wounded soldier exiting?
I guess they just didn't give a shit,
which seems to be the answer to
everything the military does.
Okay, guys, I think that's enough; I don't
know how many shells are in this thing.
Okay, so we have some more dead people.
But, we've established that I can
murder an unlimited number of people
and the universe won't be
affected in any measurable way.
I'm definitely affecting the human
timeline, though, but again, how much?
Because, say one of these guys
will invent a... quantum communicator,
and I just shot him, was he
really our only hope?
In terms of probability, won't
some other guy in Australia
just invent a quantum
communicator three years later?
[soldiers, Xenians attacking]
Oh, good. Good, good, good, good, good.
Carry on; I'm just an impartial observer.
Pretend I'm not even here.
I'm very impressed with how
things are proceeding.
I'll have good things to say
in my report.
HEY, I SAID PRETEND I'M NOT EVEN HERE!
Okay, well this guy's going to
cost you a few points,
but other than that, very high marks.
Hey, you're late.
You think I don't see that?
This is going in my report.
There! I punched your timecard
for you. Now, get back to work.
Maybe I'm not as impartial
as I think I am.
Wait a minute; I have to be!
I don't even know what's going on!
Y'know, for this not being my fight,
an awful lot of people want to kill me.
Or, not just me, everybody wants
to kill everybody, except me wanting to--
This is kind of like shotgun chess where
I need to kill them in the right order.
Dammit, I didn't see the bishop.
See, the problem with chess is it all comes
down to who can think more moves ahead,
You could be Einstein or Tesla,
but you're always going to lose to that
psycho who memorizes board positions
and can remember fifty moves in his head.
Computers can beat us in chess because
it's a game meant for computers.
I don't like games that are about
who can memorize the most crap,
because that's what it is.
It's not like memorizing
chemical bonds in the periodic table,
which has a shitload of applications.
Memorizing chess plays are only about
moving pieces around to feel smug about it.
Hm, I guess that's why it's so popular.
Well, speaking of stalemates, I'm kind of
undecided about who to be shooting here.
Because, let's face it, I want the
soldiers and aliens to just kill each other.
Or, more specifically,
stop shooting me.
the knee-jerk reaction would be I want
the soldiers to win, but do I really?
The aliens mostly just bees
and electric shocks,
and while that's really fucking annoying
and painful, it's not bullets.
Plus, if the soldiers win, I
still lose; I'm a fugitive.
Okay, I don't know where I'm going.
Okay, I guess I'm going to have
consort with the dark powers here
because I'm out of ideas.
Okay, thank you, O Dark Ones.
I pay homage.
Now, where's that straggler?
He's upsetting the delicate
balance of not being dead.
You think you're the scariest
person that's followed me?!
Okay, here, I have an idea:
Why don't you go and take a look at--
Shit. No, don't look at that.
That's...
Well, I can't just walk away;
he's seen me.
That means I'm going to wake up
three days from now
with him standing over me in my motel room.
There, that should give him
something to think about.
Yeah, see, if the aliens win, not only
will the charges against me be forgotten,
but they're not too bright.
Their most devastating weapon is
being able to teleport anywhere,
and they're not using that
anywhere near its potential.
So, this weird tunnel goes to
something f--
[underwater mumbling, loud rumbling]
I refuse to believe that
is the only purpose
of this horizontal pipe with a small pool.
HECU: Recon in position, all quiet.
Well, at least they didn't tell me
to put that in my pipe and smoke it.